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| OCD and such |
| Thursday, March 26, 2009 |
At 5:30 I get out of work, because I have to, I had a class at 6.
Taking a small detour, I had my 'mid term' last week. Today the 'professor' was supposed to give the exams back. I am talking like an American arent I.
Flashback beginI had done a decent job, it was not rocket science, he told us the four questions out of which he asked two in the exam. It was just a matter of sitting and writing pages and pages of stories. I was telling DH how ironical it was that in engineering you are supposed to be to the point, while here its the opposite. I was writing with a pen on paper for a long time, after a long time. The first question, I did a good job. I went into the question, dwelved into it, experienced every word I wrote. By the time I came to the second question, my fingers were aching! I lost all enthusiasm to do similar to what I did with the first question. Its not like my life was depending on the exam. So what if I didnt get an A in this exam, all hell does not break. I write as much as my hurt hand could manage, give it and leave.Flashback End
As the 'professor' came he told another lady that she had done a great job in the exam, and that he would like to use hers as an example to others. I suddenly felt soooo small. I know its not a big deal, and I was okay, but a small part of me was disappointed. Yes, thats what I am, in case you didnt figure that out already. I take my exam, I have a couple of Goods and Very Goods in my first answer. My final score is a 90, an A. My mind goes, now did that other girl get a 100? Is 90 bad? Of course given that the questions were given out to everyone, everyone should have gotten a 100, so may be 90 is bad! Another part of me goes, "Does it really matter? You are hear to learn stuff, you dont care about what grade you get, so just stop fussing".
The class started and the prof gave some remarks about the exam and said in the end," I like girl Xs paper, she did a good job, with her permission I would like to have her exam up on the table during break so you can take a look at what I expected." I feel all the more small, when he looks at me in the eye and says," Oh yes yours too, you did a good job too!" Thats it. Fairies started singing in my head. My feet slowly left the ground. Inspite of making an effort to stay on the ground. You know I am exagerating right. But yes I did feel happy. The other girl had gotten a 90 too.
But a part of me was now irritated that the other part of me was happy. It was all during the class chiding me for enjoying such cheap thrills. It was chanting, "it is just a silly exam, it is just a silly exam, there are things more important than just this silly exam"
As I finish the class I come home, eat like someone starved for days, turn on the TV, and sit again with the laptop, and work. Just the previous morning I tell my friend that its been ages since I saw 11 in the night(I fall asleep before that). I glance at the corner of my laptop, and its 11:08. I force myself to sleep. Sleep refuses to take me to dreamland. I have half a mind to wake and start working again, but I know I will be a zombie at work the next day if I did. I have a disturbed sleep, with work related equations and waveforms dancing in front of me. I was already thinking of the next day when I would be tackling the work which I had left mid way. It sure was obsessing. I wake up at 5 promptly for a change when the alarm rings, and get right back to work, to put some ideas I had through the night into action. I am looking forward to going to work, early, to extrapolate on my findings, and yes, do some real work. Is this what they meant when they said, employees should be motivated to get up and come to work everyday? I know I am. I love what I am doing. Bleeding edge technology which excites me. I still put to use my brains to be innovative, which is great.
And I was obviously compelled to put this in writing, to savor this feeling, to revisit another day.
On a totally different note, do you believe that our profiles change with what we want to be? The Personality test is going around in blogdom, and I took it too. May be a year back I would have gotten different results, from what I got now. I think its BS when they say, you are what you are and you will be what you were fated to be. I say you can be whatever you want to be, if you want it badly enough. Some optimism eh?
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posted by SK @ 6:10 AM  |
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| 3 Comments: |
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I can sooooooooooooo relate. :) What course are you taking though?
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oh ya what course, evening classes en al?
And I think the topper SK who everyone used to look up to back in school was disappointed that she came second, no? Hehehe, what undying enthu! Envy it!
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Laksh :--)
Nothing fancy, a class at local comm college.
Adi, ya right!! :--D Why arent you blogging man?
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I can sooooooooooooo relate. :) What course are you taking though?