Ramblings Only

Some of my toughest years where the first few years in US. 

- I was alone and I had to do my own chores

- I had some getting used to do with my posh rich classmates

- I was not as smart as everyone thought I was. This was the toughest, to keep the image. 

- I was struggling with the coursework. Years of coasting through school and college had made my brains rusty. Everyone around me was very smart.

- I had some friends, but it was cutthroat environment with everyone looking out for themselves.

My only solace was DH my then best friend. I was very happy when I left India but by the time second semester was done I was leaning on DH fully. He would offer me consolation, encouragement, make me smile, wake me up, walk me to college and put me to sleep. All this when there was half a world between us. 

Job search during the second year was another depressing time. I was very close to moving back to India. Somehow I got a job. But I hated the job because it had nothing to do with what I learnt in my Masters. I hated software. I had weekend friends, and my days passed by with happy weekends. 

I am not by nature a happy person. It is just my family. May be some health issues may have made my parents the worrying kind. Or may be all Catholics are the sad depressed kind. 

DH made me happy. He told me silly stories and made me smile. He had a way of making jokes out of serious tough things that I would have been sad about. It was a different outlook. He was the only happy point in my otherwise depressing life.

When we got married I was hopeful that some of his happy self would brush on to  me. And it did to a certain extent.

DH says if I had not gone through the tough times, if I had gotten a job I loved right away or if I had great friends then we may not be married now. DH was there through my tough times, and they always say your true friends are found during your tough times.

Life really started looking up after marrying DH. 

Looking back I think those are life defining times of your life. Living alone away from parents, finding a job of your liking and finding someone to live your life with. 

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Some of the happiest times in my life were the year right before I moved to the US. Final year of college. Job in hand, admit and fellowship in hand, I just had to finish final year to get my degree. DH also got a job quickly so the whole year was spent yapping yapping on the phone like there was no tomorrow. Best times. I was brimming with confidence. 

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I am back to the dumps these days. Because I have another goal in mind, my next step. And it looks impossible as of now as I talk to people. Why do I always want the impossible? And naturally all do a sudden I feel like all my years of experience have amounted to nothing. I hope I don't spiral into depression again. Goals are good without the inferiority complex seeping in.