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| On Anxiety and other stuff |
| Monday, March 09, 2015 |
Some people are wired to get more anxious than others. Without being diagnosed to have an anxiety disorder, there are many like me that just lurk around the border of anxiety. And it is hereditary. It is supposed to literally be the wiring around the region of the brain that triggers anxiety.
My dad is the anxious type. I am too. So is BSK for what I can make out.
I cannot really help being anxious. It is some sort of an involuntary response, not under my control. When I was younger, before exams, even though I would have studied everything, I could not help feeling anxious, worrying about the exam and everything that could go wrong.
I have worked hard to avoid feeling anxious. Eventually things work out, but no matter how well prepared I am for something I have to feel anxious. I do many presentations in my job. Invariably no matter how prepared I am, 1 hour before the meeting, heart races, hands get cold, the anxiety would consume me totally.
I notice a similar pattern with BSK. Even though she knows something is safe, she has that initial reaction which is fear, no matter how much she knows it is not to be afraid of. Like this Friday she had a different gymnastics coach. Even though she knew it was okay, she didnt go for the first few minutes. She clung on to me. It really bugs me a LOT, it requires a lot of my efforts to get her in the class, lot of coaxing and pushing and bargaining and threatening and cajoling. I dont blame her. But my patience has limits too. Eventually she will go and she will have so much fun, I will feel all the trouble was worth it.
One thing that get me really anxious is immigration and visa and stuff. Because any flaw and you sort of pay big time for it. After booking tickets and accomodation if Visa gets rejected, what a pain. Even if I have to apply another time that is another pain. And too close to the flying date and hence anxiety. It could be because one of the first things I did as a grown up was to fly out alone to the US. Get your F1, apply for Visa with all the supporting documents, answer Visa questions correctly. Keep passports safe. Answer the immigration correctly. Have all the supporting documents. Blah blah blah. What if they dont let you inside US? What if what if what if. Nervous breakdown central. First time flying alone, first time flying, how to change gates, etc etc etc. It is true past experiences trigger anxiety.
This past Friday I decided to go for the Visa appointment. Somehow I got all the documents needed, booked all the hotels, confirmed itineraries. I must have confirmed the documents like 10 times. This was at the cost of sever work lag. Boss asked for a strategy, I pushed it out. And made him ask. Severe embarrassment. I took passport pictures. The pictures were to be of a different size for Schengen Visa. The guy did not cut the pictures for me and asked me to cut it. How would it look if a non professional cut passport pictures! Sloppy. Did I fill out everything right in the application? Do I have all the documents? It was like going for an exam.
I was in a big dilemma whether to take Mia to SF or take the Bart to SF. I was soooo confused I literally lost sleep over it. I even contemplated writing pros and cons for it to make a decision. Finally, the joy of driving Mia got ahead of the fear of denting it and I decided to drive. Sometimes I do that. As scared or anxious one part of me is, the other part of me is super adventurous and wants to take risks.
I also wanted to have lunch with DH in the city. But he had a narrow 11-1 window. My appointment was at 11:45. DH's office is on Market Street bang in the busiest part of the city. We initially decided I will pick DH at 11, we will go and park and then walk to the consulate. But the anxious part of me wasnt sure this would be possible in the crowded SF where even small distance could take long to cover. Downtowns are always unpredictable. I even went ahead and picked a parking lot and bought parking! Which turned out to be a good thing because the lot was full when I reached.
I reached DH's office at 10:30 and I couldnt park anywhere close. And all that traffic again stressed me out, and I decided to go park my car and let DH take a cab to the consulate :--P That is what anxiety does to me. I make DH pay for it.
I saw that parking lot was full, but I went in and told him I have already purchased parking for 2.5hours. He then asked me to leave Mia and just go. What! I asked him if he knew how to drive a Tesla :--P I told him to be super careful and that it is a brand new car. I also watched him back park into a spot without leaving. I notice Tesla is a great conversation starter. Someone in the parking lot asked me how I like driving it. And had some questions like, what will happen if somebody drives it away without the fob.
Walked to the consulate. I had read reviews online about how rude the consulate folks are. what is new. Even Indian consulate folks are rude. I wore a blazer. And I would like to think that helped :--P It was a nice experience at the consulate. The security lady was nice to me. The visa lady was nice to me. I told her about my sabbatical. And she said not many people can get it. Although she did want proof :--P incase I dont have a job after? I had my email which I forwarded to her. She wanted mroe proof on travel insurance, again I pulled it on my phone and emailed it to her. Visas are so much more easier from 9 years ago when if you dont have something you have to go back and come again. She asked me about my daughter and what I was planning to do. As usual paranoid to get passport on mail, I decided to get DH to get it for me in person. She seemed okay with it. She said it can be picked up any time after Wednesday. Never have I received such a positive response to when I will get my passport. After readin bad reviews on Yelp it was a welcome experience.
DH and I had lunch in Subway. The guy at the parking lot remembered me. I guess they remember Tesla owners ;--p. Seriously I feel I get treated like royalty with Mia. I tried to drop DH back in office but figured him walking back would be much faster than me trying to navigate traffic. Drove back happily. The hills on SF were beautifully handled. I was extremely careful too. Now I have confidence I can take Mia to SF. If I can muster more courage to park her in the cramped SF parking structures.
Saturday another 9 mi hike PGE trail in Rancho. It is rather tough to do a hike where you can see how far you have to go. Friend was fast and I tried to keep up which has aggravated my ankle. Icing it like anything. I have the stamina and strength, to do it. My joints are not cooperating. Sad situation.
Sunday we went to REI to get fitted for backpacks. Did you know you had to get fitted? Shoulder and torso. 20lbs felt heavy. I would be carrying 40lbs in Europe. Along with BSK. Not sure what I have signed up for. A friend said I am adventurous. I wonder if I am stupid? So many special equipment and clothes are needed for trekking all super expensive. Steripens, light weight base layers, long johns, convertibles, down jackets, poles, moleskin, etc etc. Stuff will cost as much as the trip itself looks like. DH already is planning for back packing trips. Excited and nervous.
Will sign off here time to hit the gym
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posted by SK @ 6:46 PM  |
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| 2 Comments: |
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I'm sorry you have to deal with being anxious. I am not wired that way and can't offer any solutions.
With the kiddo though, I would take a different approach. My daughter behaves the exact same way as yours, when presented with new situations - whether its a new instructor, new friend, new family, new place, etc. Takes time to warm up and opens up only when really comfortable. I find that completely normal, and not an issue related to anxiety. Coaxing them is detrimental, in my personal opinion. If she does not want to go, let it be. If she makes her own choices, she will feel much more empowered and eventually get better herself.
But you know her much better than this one post, and I trust you with your judgement. I just offered what I've seen myself as well.
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Shachi
Thanks for being non judgemental and leaving some room for doubt. ;--)
Every child is different.
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I'm sorry you have to deal with being anxious. I am not wired that way and can't offer any solutions.
With the kiddo though, I would take a different approach. My daughter behaves the exact same way as yours, when presented with new situations - whether its a new instructor, new friend, new family, new place, etc. Takes time to warm up and opens up only when really comfortable. I find that completely normal, and not an issue related to anxiety. Coaxing them is detrimental, in my personal opinion. If she does not want to go, let it be. If she makes her own choices, she will feel much more empowered and eventually get better herself.
But you know her much better than this one post, and I trust you with your judgement. I just offered what I've seen myself as well.