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| People skills |
| Thursday, February 07, 2008 |
Ok, I need suggestions.
All my life, through school, college, grad school and at work until now, I have been scared of talking in public. Stage fear they called it when I was in school. I dont know if I was so bad till Std 10, I did go up on stage for competitions, singing, dancing etc etc. I was even the class monitor for many years, which was chosen by popular voting. I was a teacher's pet, solely because of the rank, and asked to write in the attendance registers and on boards. I actually connected with the whole class, everyone liked me (I think). Basically, I was not a mouse sitting in a corner. A lot of complex set in when I moved to PSBB for Junior College I guess. Everyone was so smart, and I felt so stupid. I had to work doubly triply hard to catch up with everyone. I think I became a mouse then only. :--(
College was ok, I was easily topping the class and even the whole campus, but somehow I still continued to be a very quiet person. At this time it was the complex from my outward appearance I think. Dark skinned, spectacles things which do anything but boost a girls confidence in herself. My sole consolation was in academics, it was almost as if that is what defined me as a person. It was my identity. I knew I would be a nobody otherwise. Still I never asked questions in front of everyone, I was scared people would laugh at me.
I came to grad school here, I was once again put in a lab full of geeky folks, with a fellowship in hand. My complex only increased. Of course I was facing other things in life which I was not used to as well.
I went into a kind of depression after that, I was in the dumps. Very slowly I have come out of it.
So anyway with time, somehow I became this really shy, soft spoken person, really scared of speaking in public, or voicing my opinions strongly in a group discussion, or being aggressive in my opinion. After a meeting I always sneak out for a private chat with my boss and voice any concerns or questions I have. Of late I have realized my folly. I know this cannot go on forever. I have to break out of my shell, and be more vocal in big meetings. I am taking baby steps. I have improved, yes, but still a long way to go.
Another problem I have, with a similar past, is I have trouble connecting with people. I am a bunch of nerves. I have not given people skills much importance. Being a techie, you can safely circumvent having to network with people, bury our head in the monitor. But only for so long. It helps to be friendly to a person, he may help you in something later on. It helps to be friendly to your boss, he might help you as well. Somehow being close to boss is like being close to your teacher. I know, silly me. But I used to hate 'kaaka pidichufying' in school. If some teacher has to like you he should like you for your work. But turns out it doesnt work the same way in this country. Soaping your boss is a must, they call it having a good relationship.
So, I need to improve on these qualities. The very ones I had shunned as not worth pursuing, I need to now. I know it is not as difficult as doing 'real' work, but it definitely takes some extra effort from my side, I need to work on my personality and character. I am going to have indicators and pursue this in a very professional way, lets see.
Any tips, past experiences readers would like to share are very much appreciated. |
posted by SK @ 8:14 PM  |
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| 8 Comments: |
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Ok time to stop burying your head into the monitor.You know what , when it comes to stage fright , its normal and it happens to everybody!So the next time you're giving a presentation just think to yourself , even if this is the WORST seminar I have ever given , its fine , no problem.The thing is to let go of the fear of failure.And about the competing part , how many people can you compete with? Theres always going to be someone better than you anyway ! so why fret!
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Girl, you asked for it :)
I was like you. Then one day I snapped. Rest is history. Now people cannot imagine I was like that, and I shock the heck outa my school [india]friends on how Ive turned.
It takes conscious effort, support and determination. You have it all.
have u tried Toastmaster sessions? They worked with a few I know. Also, offer to do work at work which includes presenting. It can only be hard the 1st few times, after that you'd be a natural. Many years of conditioning can harm our self-esteem, but knowing your skills and where you need to improve is half teh battle won.
Of crse u know all this don't you? :)
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PSBB a:). Nice.
I am not sure I am experienced enough to offer advice but in any case
1. Confidence is the key. You need to know you are a stud.
2. You should be a bastard. Its a rat eats rat world:). Dont make any of your colleagues friends cauze you might need to stab them in their back sometime soon:).
3. Never get defensive.
4. For presentations, I usually start smiling when the guy is reading my biography. Somehow it makes me less nervous.
-Ok
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Aii - someone is actually asking me for advice I am dying to spew? Cool!
Anyways, I can soooo empathize what you are saying coz I am mostly like that myself. That, you might think disqualifies me from giving you advice However, as my first sentence must have told you, I am good at giving advice (as opposed to following it).
So here is what you can do. One step at a time. Try speaking up in smaller meetings. Make remarks even if you think they are inane, about some topic you are 100% sure about - that way you know you can't go wrong. Besides, even if you do wind up saying something foolish, other than you, no one is going to remember it after 10 minutes. But people will remember you "participated" in the meeting. Once you are used to this, you can then move on to speaking up about your actual concerns.
With your boss, try to start off with small talk. Weather, some baseball game, how was the weekend and similar stuff. It is kinda painful to have an interested smile when you are actually not interested, but PC helps in establishing good relationships as you observed. And will make it easier to talk to him about techie stuff in meetings too.
Also, no matter how many geeks or braniacs are around you, do remember that you will always be better than them in some things (even if they are better than you in others). So don't let the thought "These people are God" get to you.
At this point, my comment is getting longer than your post. So am gonna stop. Hope this did something other than hogging space on the Google server.
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All of us have been quiet in some circumstances or some phase of life. But slowly, we build up the confidence through our conscious efforts or communicating with friends.
Your posts suggest you are good in writing down your emotions. I am sure with some effort, you would be a good speaker too.
I totally agree with what Archana has written. Toastmaster is good too, only you need some dedication in following and pursuing it.
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seren,
Thanks for dropping by and the tips. :--) Yeah, its not about competition, I just want to be good and feel satisfied with myself thats it :--)
jayashri,
Yes, we come from a country where we are taught to practice humility, and bragging doesnt come suddenly. I hope some of these answers here helped you. :--)
Rads,
:--) I am waiting for my turn to snap out and change 360degree. :--) We have toastmaster sessions at work, I should try it out soon.
Its always good to hear good advice from people.
Ok,
Yes. :--)
Thanks for the advice.
It is a rat race. You get tired of the race after a while. Its just the starting point and the hours before any presentation that I am super nervous.
Archana,
Really do appreciate your comment. I am trying. Lets see how things go. I watched this Super Bowl exactlyfor that reason, so I dont get left out in team meetings. Sigh!
Joy,
Thank you! Many have reco-ed Toastmasters I have to try it out soon.
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I remember you as my 8th class monitor...you didn't have stage fright as far as I remember in our school. Most confident girl among the 10th std bunch..
:)
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Very reflective. touched. In fact, your whole blog is giving me that deja vu feeling!
Keep writing
See ya.
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Ok time to stop burying your head into the monitor.You know what , when it comes to stage fright , its normal and it happens to everybody!So the next time you're giving a presentation just think to yourself , even if this is the WORST seminar I have ever given , its fine , no problem.The thing is to let go of the fear of failure.And about the competing part , how many people can you compete with? Theres always going to be someone better than you anyway ! so why fret!