Monday thoughts - I am having doubts if I can be as successful as I want to be. Not because I may not be capable but because I cannot fricking handle stress. I had an anxiety attack today. I wanted to give up. I wanted to cry. I asked DH how he handles. Those are the people that can be successful. You may ask me if that is what is success. That is what corporate culture showcases it as and as long as I am in the corporate world that's how I will be judged.
I was cribbing about flying out for work Monday morning only to see two female VPs on my flight, one dandily dressed in stilettos and lipstick. Fine! Am I a failure? I don't have energy. I don't have the heart. I don't want it. There I said it.
I do want to make an impact on peoples lives. Does it have to be at the cost of living a life of lies? Is being successful about being smart about pushing things around, or talking out of responsibilities or plain old politics? As in, being a biatch?
---- Tuesday thoughts -
Flying, rental car, hotel, hotel coffee and breakfast, express checkout, everything came rushing back. Something about figuring out a new place, directions, places to eat. All when you work 12+hours. Psst Oregon felt like a village. More laid back, more shorts and tshirts. Airport literally 4mins from work. Hotel literally 11mins from work. Gosh! But I realized, I cannot live there. Much as I hate expensive Bay Area and curse the commute, I am a true blue Area resident. Oregon may be greeeen and beautiful but I will miss the hussle bustle. I asked myself several times 'where ARE the people?!'
--- Met a good friend from 10 years ago! We started working at the same time. The dude hasn't changed or grown up in spite of being father to 5 year old twins. Enjoyed meeting him. And it reminded me how much I have changed and moved on.
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I want to be young again. Find everything new. I want others to know more than me so I can open my mouth wide in awe. So I can feel important when travelling. The taxi driver took me home today as I didn't want Mia to be parked in a lot overnight. He was amazed I used a private shuttle. I liked being chauffeured. The same road looked different when you were in the back seat. The skies looked uber pretty. America is a beautiful place! Especially the bay. The glistening ocean and the coast line and the mountains along with the sunset made me forget my work tensions for a bit and enjoy the scenes that played in the sky. Dramatic clouds, so many hues of red, blue shades, I wanted to cherish them in my head.
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Need lots of prayers to get through the next few weeks. God help me. All is well. Friends are asking why am I beating myself in this team when I am going to move soon. Good question. I should be catching up with work now. But I choose to sleep.
This is totally me. Night! |
yay finally a bay area convert i see :)
Also congrats on the change! PM now?
Super happy for you on that and on africa trip too.