That feeling where things like home, job, car, traffic, clothes, parties, parks, movies seem trivial. Start ups, innovation, competition too. I stand outside of me and look at myself, rat on a wheel pedaling away. What is a meaningful life.
Had a chat with my boss yesterday. Am I being truthful to myself. Truth is scary. We are brainwashed into believing something so much that we don't know if we really believe in it or not. And then we are totally lost. How to connect with your innermost desires. Why do we have to live life as per someone else's dreams.
We buy stuff that we don't like to impress people that we don't like with money we don't have.
This can be translated to -
We do stuff that we don't like to impress people we don't like with time that we don't have.
Sometimes I feel I am the slowest dumbest person. I have to struggle with things that come naturally to others. I get excited when I discover something profound and realize I am the last one to get it after all. This is my low self confidence talking. But I am learning and I am making progress.
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JSK is in a new school. And I didn't even drop her on her first day in the new school. DH did. Day 3 and she seems okay. Yesterday I felt alone and sad thinking of her in a class full of new kids and new teachers. She hugged her teachers in the evenings. She likes the small potties and small doors in the bathroom. We spend more time in the car commuting. Today morning as I dropped her she wanted to make a conversation. " talk like you talk in your meetings" Ookkk. She hears me talk, wait for the others to talk and then respond again. And she wanted to do that. So our conversation ended up being a long story spun by the two of us responding and following each other's stories. And of course she gives me stickers and smilies when I do a good job ;--S
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I can physically feel the tension at the back of my head. Last night I couldn't sleep. I tried to cut down TV but for now it unwinds my worked up brain.
Do I have the mid life crisis? |
