Ramblings Only

Just ramblings, only a vent for emotions, feelings and all the good stuff

Lump in the throat

Sunday, October 11, 2015

All of the weekend.
I hear my dotter talk and I feel that lump. We are a happy family. We have a good life. I have my twisted head but for the most part everything is good. We are blessed compared to so many others in this world.

We had friends over. They are friends for whom family and people are everything. Home birds. I can't complain to anyone about feeling bad about missing my family. They go ' you wanted to go and you are going' sort of. Or 'if you are feeling so bad you shouldn't have signed up for it'

Yep. Say something like that to a woman who leaves her 2month baby and goes to work. ' you brought it on yourself'. Does a mom not feel bad? Does that mean she should not do it? Why shouldn't a mom do something like this for herself? Is it selfish? I guess they didn't really mean it that way I am just being too sensitive.

On one side I am sad and almost crying because I have to leave my family alone. JSK had a slight temperature over the weekend. It crushed me to feel her hot forehead. Thankfully she was all right within a day. It would be worst if I had to leave when she was sick. She has also been so good, no fights or upsets, makes it all the more difficult for me to leave.

So yes I guess my friends don't really understand. I cannot find any solace in friends. DH does offer consolation, but I feel so sorry for him. I tell JSK that I have to go off for 21 days and she says ' but you are not going today amma' or ' come back after 1 day amma'

I was moping around all day so didn't really get to doing any packing. What happened to simple ' don't worry everything will be fine.' ?

:--(((((

I will be fine tomorrow when I go to work and get busy. I shouldn't have any free time to think about anything. Just get going. I am in the ' what the hell was I thinking signing up for this mode' this too shall pass. Hopefully soon enough so I can be prepared for my trip.

Signing off with a heavy heart and teary eyes.

posted by SK @ 5:10 PM

7 Comments:

At 11:18 PM, yaadayaada said…

Hugs. It is totally ok to feel bad and still do what ever we love to do. You will be fine and your family will be fine. The reunion after 21 days will just he awesome. Imagine the squeals of jsk when she greets you at the airport when you get back. It will all be worth it. Best of all jsk will learn from you to chase her dreams without fear.
At 11:35 PM, MK said…

SK...I wanted to tell u in the last post itself.You are not selfish.You are being wise.A lot of parents live their children's lives.Life is precious.It is not meant to be wasted.I strongly believe that we have to take care of our interests and if not all ,at least most aspects of our lives.Of course,we can sacrifice anything for our children,but right now it is simply not necessary.JSK is old enough and you have a wonderful supportive husband.I am not telling you this just to make you feel good.What you are doing is right and is inspiring.
Pack your bags and go SK.
At 11:27 AM, SK said…

yaadayaada,

thanks for the kind words! just what i wanted to hear.

MK,
Thanks dear. Sometimes self doubt raises its ugly head. been feeling pretty vulnerable.
At 11:48 AM, Shachi said…

I have not left any child for more than a couple of days, so I can't really say how I would manage a 3 week gap. But trust the husband, and your child. They will miss you, but manage. It's always a fine balance you have to strike, and maybe you should consider taking a day off here or there to spend just with her to make up for the prolonged absence.

However, I really don't heed to anyone making me feel guilty of moving to US or being a working mom. Do I really want my daughter to only see that all she will do once she grows up is bear and raise babies and manage a household? life is so much more than that. We are the people who our children look up to, so setting a great example is a must. Even if we are not professionals working to make a living, we should volunteer, have hobbies, exercise, be an inspiration in whatever ways we can, so that the next generation can build upon that and take it to the next level.

I can't wait to hear about your Africa experience!!
At 3:01 PM, KK said…

Hi, occasional reader here...

Its not self-doubt - its mom guilt. The day our kids are born, mom guilt is also born. Ask yourself this - will your husband agonize over this like you are? Are we as moms expected to agonize over it - just so we can get reassurance and make ourselves feel better about leaving the kids for work? Make no mistake - I would do the same thing as you - so not judging - just food for thought.

Incidentally, my husband is away on a 3 week work trip :)
At 3:02 PM, KK said…

Also, I lived in Kenya as a kid - not to be missed trip if you can go. It will change your life's perspective.
At 6:02 PM, SK said…

Thanks Shachi and KK! Appreciate the kind words.