Ramblings Only

In other words, ramblings only. 

 I am a classic example of Asian bring up. No matter what grades are important. I did well in school and college but I cannot say the same about my life. Trust me I am clueless about what I want to do. Or may be I am over thinking this. Or may be something else is the problem. I struggle with navigating the imperfect world. 

I don't blame my parents because if not for grades I wouldn't even be where I am. I would be in a village married to a farmer?! Grades were essential.

But now with American way of thinking I am looking for my strengths and trying to navigate to a career where I will flourish. 

Some people, a classic example is DH, are happy treating a job as it is, a job, it pays the bills. So they can do whatever it takes. That would work perfect for Asian bring up. Get good grades, get a lucrative job, just be a rat on the wheels. I don't say it is a bad thing. If it works for people and people are happy nothing else matters.

Unfortunately I am not able to do that. I have strict notions about what I like and what I want to do. Most times they are bad choices. But I own them and work through them. Life has not been easy for me. And I sometimes wonder if I myself make it difficult for myself. 

5 years ago I would have done anything to be where I am right now. I am here now and I am not happy. What is wrong with me. I was doing well in a job and I threw it away to do something else because I thought that is what I wanted. Now I want something else, somewhere else. And it is hard. I dream. May be the impossible. But the dream slowly becomes an obsession and when I realize the possibility of it happening is next to zero, I get frustrated and depressed. Goals are good. Unhappiness and frustration is not. What is wrong with me!

I have folks asking me for advice, direction, when I myself have become a clueless mess. But I hide it well and help them as much as possible. 

I haven't felt this restlessness in the past three years and it has resurfaced now. God help me!!

Life is hard! There is no one solution for every one. And there is no help. Trust me, people can guide you and offer you suggestions but ultimately you, you alone are responsible for your life. 

Lucky are those who know their passion and focus on it full fledged. Three things need to line up. Passion, talent, opportunity.at the Union of the three lie people like PVSindhu and Mark Zuckerberg. 

Anyway my life is kinda past. It is still daunting, but past.

I don't want dotter to have to go through the same. I want her to explore her interests. I want her to be happy. We might be first generation immigrants in this land but I am a classic product of Indian upbringing. I am not going to stuff academics in her face. I don't want her to get into STEM if she doesn't want to. I will give her the opportunity, if passion and talent exist then so be it. Now it may be tough being in Silicon Valley but we will see. 

I will help her find her passion and help identify her talent and give her the opportunity, whatever it may be. 

That is my only wish for dotter. I want her to be happy doing whatever it is she wants to do everyday of every week of every year.

Sometimes I wish life were not so difficult!! Or I wish I didn't make it so difficult! ;--P

I was watching a random Tamil movie where the heroine was smiling and happy with a bunch of friends, working at a saree store. So happy, no problems in life. Gosh I miss that!!