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| The other side |
| Monday, January 16, 2012 |
I have spent most of my formative years in Chennai for the most part barring the first five years which I spent in Pondicherry and one passing year in Bombay. I suppose that qualifies me to be called a 'city-bred' girl. We watched this Neeya Naana Pongal special episode over the weekend. The discussion totally blew my mind off. There was this one set guys who were rightly called 'misfit' in the end, who said they wanted a girl who is less educated, wears saree/salwar, does not complain while taking care of all the household chores. Apparently all city bred girls have lot of thimiru, and are adangapidaaris. There were some paavam city girls on the other side, getting frustrated and angry at the accusations while it became apparent that they were confused themselves as to whether they were modern or traditional. Some good points were put forth by Dr Shalini at the end, which were food for thought. Everytime I read stories of women oppression, DH gets a earful. Only because he is a man. And the poor guy ends up asking me," What did I do?". It saddens me to know that there are still such people out in the world. I am not excluding my own relatives. Partly this is attributed to their upbringing and the time in which they lived.
I am not sure if it is evident in my posts as of now, but I am a firm supporter of women independence. I refrain from writing about it here, because I dont express my thoughts in writing so well, and I dont want to sound too opinionated here. But I will try to make an exception here.
When I was 23, just done studying and starting work, when parents started looking for a groom, I talked with one prospective mother in law. The family had settled in the US for a while and so I expected her to be with a non traditional outlook. But within 2 minutes into the conversation, I was asked, how much I weigh and how tall I was. I was disappointed. I have always been wary of the 'ponnu paarkkira' process. I think things have changed and now it is more arranged plus love marriage, parents look for the bride or groom, and then there is a period where they get to know each other, an opportunity to fall in love and then wedding happens. I am pretty sure I would never have gotten married if I were to have had an arranged marriage, for I am pretty sure I would be filtered in the first level based on looks. FIL is looking for prospective bride for his third son. His first filter criteria is looking at pictures, filtering not so good looking girls. Its sad that girls are selected based on looks and not character or personality. It sad also that men are selected based on salary and education and not again on character or personality. But then again, I guess character and personality come in later.
I dont know how my thought process changed or when it changed. May be because I read English books :--P or may be because my Mom put up with my obstinence, or may be because my Dad gave me more than enough freedom to do what I felt like, but I believe more in freedom of thoughts and actions. I dont believe in being the coy and demure women of the past. I like to be more confident and do what pleases me. You can imagine how much I feared a marriage. A reason why I did not hesitate to marry DH. He kept me on a pedestal literally. Everyone said things would change after marriage. I was very wary of it and expected it and suspected it. But it didnt. Its very difficult to get such men. He is not 'city-bred'. He was brought up the tiny town of Tuticorin until he came to Chennai for college. Pretty much like the guys in the show Neeya Naana.(DH dont kill me now :--P) I call him 'oor payyan' sometimes. I always thought, and DH also agreed that had he married someone else, he would be like any of the other men in the show. I thought it was me, that made a different impact on him, for him to be liberal. But now I attribute some of it to his Mom, and the way she has brought up her sons. Of course also the fact that now he has been 'exposed' (yet another word used against the city breds) to various other views than small town ones. Some may call men who give freedom to their wives or who share house hold chores with their wives as sissy, or whatever, like he is not a man, and that he cannot 'control' his wife. Dr Shalini (btw I liked what had to say in multiple Neeya Naana shows) had something to say about that too. Periyar and other men who supported women liberation were no less men. In fact they were alpha males. Who are confident of themselves and dont see women uprising as a threat to them. These men are more real men than the so called men who want to control their wives, these men are just insecure. ( Ok DH, that is enough ice on your head I think :--P)
DH sometimes says I should have married someone else, a 'Maharajah' jokingly, because I have some high and mighty whims and fancies. :--P But then I say, it is better to be a Maharani to a non-Maharajah, than be a non-Maharani to a Maharajah. I value freedom and respect more than the riches and wealth.
So anyway coming back to the Neeya Naana episode, I agree to one point made by the men side, which said women are confused about themselves, deciding on whether they are modern or traditional and to be modern both in thoughts and expressions. And I totally agreed. Women who dress in jeans and tshirts and claim to be modern and independant but still judge women who get a divorce and women who choose career over babies. My take on this is, women are still transitioning. It cannot happen in one generation. May be the next generation will be one step ahead and the generation after, one more step. Awareness needs to be spread.
And one more good take away was how the traditionalists blame the modern women for not conforming to the 'tamil kalacharam'. And one of the speakers rightly said kalacharam changes from time to time. Sati vratha was a kalacharam in those days, now it is absurd is it not?
As Bharathiyar rightly said, society is half men and half women, we cannot expect society to make forward progress if the women also do not make progress. And the onus of this partly lies on the women too. If only women can stop treating marriage as a way to get someone wealthy to spend money on them, if only they can start taking steps to not be dependant on men for their survival, if only they also take some responsibility in social welfare things will change for good.
PS: I wanted to post an update on BSK. Next post, soon, else I will forget! |
posted by SK @ 10:17 PM  |
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| 7 Comments: |
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Wonderful post SK! And one we were talking about too. The thing is: I have seen perfectly uneducated villagers who value their women-folk and encourage their opinions and take in their valuable expertise to help them manage their farms and I have seen educated idiots with a string of degrees behind their names behave absolutely deploringly toward them.
That is why maturity and thought processes are not linked to schooling alone. Education means enlightening oneself and figuring out what works for us best. To team up with your life partner.
What my husband was saying is that: at least now, these forums are bringing people together to talk about it. When people cringe at backward arguments, there is a chance for the problem to be acknowledged.
We are lucky to have our men in our lives SK!
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"We are lucky to have our men in our lives SK!"
cant put it better :)
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Quite well articulated SK. Watched that program, first part on Youtube and was thoroughly disgusted! Seriously, and they were declaring first and foremost that one is an MBA HR, doctor etc. True that upbringing > education in these matters but this was really alarming. Will allow jeans behind closed doors it seems. Who to allow whom!
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I used to get worked up over these debates. This time when I saw this debate, I just felt bad for both sides. Both of them were ignorant in their own way. Girls confused, men misinformed and refusing to see the world. IMO, as for freedom, it is never given. If someone gives freedom, that is not freedom. Freedom is something that is taken. So whenever someone says, my spouse gives me enough freedom, I am like, freedom is not theirs to give away. That is like, I have a dog/cat, I give them freedom to roam around in my backyard. Well,am I confusing enough. Sorry, in my opinion, that is not freedom.
And the world is in a sorry state since we are thanking the normal behavior and feeling lucky if someone is normal!!
And I agree with you on writing SK. Look at my comment. Isn't it so confusing! This is why I don't write because I am so bad at it. I should start audioblog and audio comments.
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Saumya, You are so right, its more the upbringing/maturity than village/city or educated/uneducated.
Hema,
We are lucky indeed but I hope times change, when we are 'normal' and the others are just unlucky, instead of we being lucky and other normal! Oh and welcome here! :--)
Gradwolf, Seriously! I felt like slapping them one after the other!
Yaadayaada,
You are sooo right! Freedom needs to be taken, not given, rightly put! We are just lucky we dont have to take it because we already have it !
Please write/ or talk, would love to hear your thoughts! :--))
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Yaada Yaada hit the nail - i am always sort of surprised when ppl say they give me freedom...
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Sachita,
gee, I shouldnt have said 'give freedom'. Agree it sounds wrong.
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Wonderful post SK! And one we were talking about too. The thing is: I have seen perfectly uneducated villagers who value their women-folk and encourage their opinions and take in their valuable expertise to help them manage their farms and I have seen educated idiots with a string of degrees behind their names behave absolutely deploringly toward them.
That is why maturity and thought processes are not linked to schooling alone. Education means enlightening oneself and figuring out what works for us best. To team up with your life partner.
What my husband was saying is that: at least now, these forums are bringing people together to talk about it. When people cringe at backward arguments, there is a chance for the problem to be acknowledged.
We are lucky to have our men in our lives SK!